soo, i'm going to ramble - not about whats been on my mind generally because that would require ten posts - but just whats been on my mind today.
thanksgiving is a time to "give thanks" - yada yada. personally, i think its a time for feasting! For me, thanksgiving has rarely had the sentimental value that its supposed to have. (Though, Nooneh just sent out her yearly email of "thanks" and honestly, it makes me absolutely giddy to still be on it. Noon, I love you and will always love our conversations! miles apart = someone to stay with when you're miles from home and wonderful conversations when we do get a chance to chat - I STILL AM EXPECTING A VISIT FROM YOU SOON MISSY!!!)
Anyway... today started off totally strange for me - maybe it was coming off a semi-unthankful night. Towards the early AM hours, I had a dream that I was hanging out with a particular guy that I used to have a "thing" for. It was a pleasant enough dream and pretty much ended at that. Several hours later I was reading a text book and suddely drifted off - afternoon nap style.
This time, the dream sorta continued but no so pleasant. My mind wandered back to the last day I'd seen this guy - the situation and the people I was with. Suddenly, a good friend of mine was there (well, he had been there that night and that was the last night i saw him). And, as heart broken as i was, he (the friend guy) said exactly the right things - as he'd always said. He'd always sorta empowered me in the strangest way. He made me feel okay... and "better than that."
I woke up... totally thinking of calling him to tell him about my dream. And then I remembered... he's not around. And in my half drowsy state, I suddenly began reliving the moments... the moment his brother imed me to say he had passed away. Via aim - bizzare right. i actually thought it was a joke. i'm sorry. But by then, we weren't very close... instead me and his brother chatted every day so he just said it... but man. So surreal. Still surreal.
Anyway, I feel almost silly writing all this - I was definitely not one of his closest friends... and yet, I always thought of him as a brother because, when we were together, he was always protectice and sweet - trying to make sure everyone was taken care of and having fun. I remember after "the fact" (ya that) I felt very awkward for a long time - at the funeral, at the house, everything - because, I was not part of the gang - i was not supposed to be "so sad." But I guess I was sorta the kid - younger than most of his friends... which sorta meant him introducing me to a certain world and to certain people that I didn't know about. I mean, frankly, age 18-21 would not have been what they were for me were it not for him - single handedly. And, aside from all the superficial party stuff, we had our chats... again, probably not exactly the chats he had with his best friends but, we talked - he knew a bit about me, i knew a bit about him. He was just there for me to vent to - and there to always tell me what I wasn't allowed to do - big bro style. Oh ya, and it was always fun when he'd randomly stop off at my house to drop off flyers (to me and the neighbor - I wasn't THAT special hahah).
Anyway, as strange as it might be for some people to understand, he was something....someone... and, I can't exaclty look back on those years of my life without remembering him. And today... was just one of those days.
I hope he's doing well - and watching over all of us - his friends (some of whom perhaps could use the watching), his fam, and the person he was supposed to start a fam with... we all miss you :)
good night... sweet dreams.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment